From Darkness to Light

Psalm 6 I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. 7 My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies.

There are those dark days when I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the outside world. Years ago I allowed myself to be swallowed up by the darkness. I would go weeks, months and I think even years where I would separate myself. I held everyone in my life at arms length and refused to allow my heart to feel love. That, in turn, kept me from giving love. I was miserable. There was always conflict in my life. My husband battled for my attention, I sat quietly in church and hoped no one would bother me. Yet I tried to pass off the image of being happy, content, and Christ-like. My entire life was a sham! I was good at faking a smile, faking interest in someone elses life, and faking the "happy family" life. I was convinced that this was all life had to offer me.

I had known who Christ was my entire life. I studied the Bible, I knew the stories, the promises and since childhood I'd prayed to Him to quiet the storms of my life both literal and surreal. It was not until the day finally came when I had done so much damage to myself and those around me that I could no longer live with myself. I had never felt unconditional love, and I had never given it, yet I did not know that. I was completely broken and without hope. I cried out to Jesus for mercy through streams of tears and shuddering sobs. Then He came to me, and wrapped me in the most beautiful, peaceful feeling I had ever had...His unconditional, never ending grace! He erased the pain from my heart, dried my tears, and replaced them with most beautiful Spirit.

Since that day, I have craved a touch from my Father. I've sought after His closeness and I know that in the darkest times God answers my cry for mercy. A simple heartfelt prayer can bring on the most wonderful peace. Sometimes I just want to wollow in my sorrow and hide from people and from God. But he's always waiting for me, gently knocking, reminding me of the love that he offers.

My life is so completely different now, and yes it happened overnight. My husband can tell you when that change happened and how drastic it was. I love without much restaint, now that I have felt the ultimate Love.

1 John 1: 5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.